Review Scores Aren't Too Low

 

Gears of War 3. Arkham City. Skyward Sword. Uncharted 3. Skyrim. Dark Souls.

 

What do these games have in common? They’re all recently released contenders for various Game of the Year awards, for one. But, more importantly, each of these games was in the eye of a veritable shitstorm when they received less-than-perfect scores. These mathematical wizards call a 90 percent—a phenomenal score—too low. Ninety percent! Even if game critics were grading papers, that would be a highly respectable score.

 

And we’re not.

 

But the fans, the industry and even we critics have lost sight of that. It’s gotten to the point where exceptional scores like 80 and 90 percent are no longer acceptable. Just look at the comments of a “negative” review for any of the games mentioned above: 90 percent draws ire and 80 percent draws hate speech. Let me tell you what an 80 percent implies, kids: That a game does most everything it does very well and comes highly recommended. But a growing subset of gamers has come to fear and loathe the dreaded 8.5.

 

This is all they can see, the poor bastards.

But gamers have increasingly been treating these scores as if they’re bashing the game. Look no further than the user comments section of GameSpot.com’s Skyward Sword review (a largely positive 7.5/10):

 

“Even if it is a personal opinion, Tom [Mc Shea] must be blind, retarded and without emotions. The story, the graphics, the sound in this game are all superb... You DON'T put a 7.5 score on a game as great as this... Don't compare this to Cod you pillowhugging doritocruncher”
—TheTerium*

 

Where do I start with this? Is it the fact that he called the reviewer a blind retard and a “pillow-hugging Dorito-cruncher”? (They’re called "hyphens" and this is one of their uses.) Sure, that’s part of it. But gun to my head, I’m gonna say it’s the fact that this pissant had the gall to tell a reviewer what score he can and can’t put on a game. “You can’t have this opinion! Also, Call of Duty is stupid!” Good job sticking in that last barb, you boot-licking uncle-sodomizer.

 

The point I’m trying to make here, through the insults and insane ranting, is that eight out of 10 is not, as Destructoid reviews editor Jim Sterling puts it in his Web series Jimquisition, “hate out of 10.” There are those among us who understand that 8/10 means something more than a B-; that a game isn’t being disregarded as crap because it didn’t receive a 10/10 or, God help us all, a 9/10.

 

And yes, even 9/10, which implies that a game is outstanding and shouldn’t be missed, is not enough anymore. Fans of both Skyward Sword and Uncharted 3 decried 9/10 reviews, saying they sounded “more like a 9.5 or 10” and “hurt the average score.” As if the average score invalidated their opinion of a game they hadn’t even played.

 

I’m gonna get into some boring stuff for a minute here, so feel free to skip ahead to the inevitable insane rant at the end. …Still with me? OK, let’s talk statistics. The diagram below is what’s called a “normal curve.” (Bell curve if you’re into image association.)

 

Pictured: My vain attempt at seeming intelligent.

 

What this means in layman’s terms is that all quantifiable things tend toward a central point. This includes incomes, tax rates, grade point averages and, yes, even review scores. The dark band in the middle represents everything within plus or minus one unit of standard deviation; it’s where about 68.2 percent of review scores theoretically fall.

 

The third bands from the center line, everything outside of two units of standard deviation, represent truly exceptional, or statistically significant, cases. Titles like Ocarina of Time, The Orange Box and Grand Theft Auto IV fall in the positive. These are universally hailed games with near perfect scores from every outlet, representing less than 5 percent of video games. In case I haven’t hammered the point home quite enough, I’m saying these games are rare.

 

But these pedants are unable to accept a positive review for what it is. Hell, they’re unable to accept an opinion—because a review is, in essence, still an opinion—that differs from their own. In their minds, these games are perfect. Challenge that, and you’re practically threatening their worldview. And this is for positive scores! If we give a game an 8.5, we’re criminals. And if we give a game a 7.5? Angels and ministers of grace, defend us.

 

 

*I'd like to point out that I found this comment within 20 seconds of clicking GameSpot.com's video review of The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. I counted.