So I played Depression Quest

It’s 1.40AM. I’ve had two anxiety attacks in one day, one more painful than the other. This one is still stinging the right part of my chest. My head is both heavy and light at the same time. Every sensation in it is amplified. I can feel my nose hair; it’s goddamn ridiculous.

There’s nothing that can be done.  The human body is weird.

I’ve been putting off writing about Depression Quest. In some twisted way, this is the best time to do it.

At first, I approached the game as review material, like most games. It’s not going to happen this time. For one, I’m not the go-to narrative guy. Truth is, I don’t care for the gross majority of stories in games. Feel free to go read some reviews right now. Unless it’s a title specifically about narrative, it’s barely going to discuss it. Most game stories are awful. Guy does thing, results are justified and ultimately positive. That’s what it boils down to.

Secondly though, given what a depressed downer I usually am, detaching myself from that angle to provide a fair assessment wouldn’t seem right, when I can use that “strength” instead to go deeper. Strength; because having daily suicidal thoughts are appealing traits. Anyway, the game is solid. That’s the short form.

From a depressed dude to the world: Depression Quest adequately represents what being depressed reads like. I say “read,“ because its main flaw is, should you be depressed, the mental work that reading actually requires would be way too much. My brain activity on downswings is watching a screen, maybe make slop and that’s it. Understanding a story through text? Text longer than an emoji? Being mildly sentient? Not exactly in the books at that point.

Results may vary; not everyone will gel with Depression Quest as much, empathy and such, but it most definitely a real depiction. In fact, it’s scary realistic. This became obvious at an off phrase, where the protagonist lets their motivation waver by checking forums, Twitter, hopping back and forth between tabs until it’s suddenly two hours later.

I had been doing exactly that, under those same circumstances, at that moment, almost in the exact same order. While the catharsis moment is beautiful in its own way, it also spikes up the paranoia, let me tell you. And yes, you do that too, but not with that same frame of mind. It’s compulsive.

So, instead of telling you that you should play a free game that has a good attempt at charting mental illness issues, where others don’t even bother, I’ll point out two particular spots in the game. These may or may not even happen to you, by the way, if you’re afraid of spoilers during your free ride.

Situation one takes place during the morning, which is the most difficult part of the day, but not for reasons most people see it. No, mornings are hard, because it means you woke up and the world still exists. Add to this thought that the flood of responsibilities from the world are also rushing in. They’re waiting for you. What are you going to do?

There are three options. The easiest one is just getting to work, because that’s what you do. We don’t always put that much thought into it. Work is work, am I right? In the second instance, you’re already thinking of copping out before you started. Some would call that a defeatist attitude, since the day could go great. Others would just be mentally preparing, because even just one slight setback can be enough to scrap everything. Now, in the third and least desirable spot, you call your boss and call in sick. Good luck coming up with a reason and feeling terrible about the pressure and ramifications that puts you under.

In reality, there’s only one option, the last one. Others are crossed out, which would make it seem unfair, but again: this is reality. It’s not so much a “game” where you try to outsmart it and “beat” your depression, you’re simply roleplaying what a depressed dude would feel like doing. You have these options, but no control to make any positive action happen. The only option is failure. You’re going to eat that bag of crap. This has literally happened to me and it’s why I’m in the state I’m in. I’ve let buses to my job pass me by that were 20 seconds away, because if I had done the effort of running towards them, it would’ve shown any motivation for the upcoming tasks it would bring me towards, trapping me. That’d be enough to throw my head into the window until my skull burst open to repaint the upholstery and neighboring passengers.

People think this self-defeating attitude is controllable, that it’s possible to engage auto-pilot. That’s only partially true. Every day is different. Nine out of ten, you just disconnect and walk on, but then there’s the other moment where nothing matters anymore. That’s the moment where anything in the world looks worse than doing nothing, no matter the consequence. It doesn’t matter, you’re already in suicide country. What are they going to do that’s really going to top that? Make life worse? Well, what a surprise that is then. Pile it on, let’s play those odds.

Sadly, the world doesn’t stop turning and if you’re still alive, you’ll need to take care of that fallout as well. And here we were hoping that being depressed is this glorified feeling of moral invincibility. It’s not so ironclad after all.

Situation two; I don’t really want to talk about it. But I also need to.

I don’t like coming off this human. Suicide and death; that’s my league. I can talk days about the many ways to destroy yourself and the futility of existence, but talking about relationships is rough stuff. In this scene, you’re at the breaking point with your significant other. You’ve only recently opened up and admitted to your flaws and they promised to stay, but you know it’s not happening. There are some options that can save the relationship, but those are just lies. They’re leaving you. They left you the second you showed weakness, because the reality is that humans are despicable, physically sickening creatures. We don’t want confrontation. We don’t want to put in effort over negative points in our bonds with others. If you’re not perfect, you’re out; wipe the slate clean. It’s revolting.

So, the option to argue that you can pull yourself is out the door. It’s not exactly credible, if you only just recently admitted being depressed. There’s the choice to move in, but holy damn that would be a bad idea for various reasons. It’s impossible to suffer through this 24 hours a day, trust me. Having another person join that pity party is not going to help; it’s going to amplify those problems. It will turn them more than it will turn you. And so, the only remaining option is to end the relationship yourself. But here’s the thing: That’s not an option either.

I’ve been in this position. I’ve literally been abandoned for opening up and admitting weakness. Don’t worry; that person had their flaws, but they’re pretty good people. I’m mad about the situation, but there’s context and all that. Still, now I know that I only have the one option, but it’s impossible for me to follow through on it. There’s no way I can break it off and make my life more unbearable, more solitary, not even in a game. It’s so sad that I’m shaking now just thinking about it. It nearly defines pathetic. And so, at this point I’m in stasis, staring blankly at the screen of Depression Quest; no way to move on, no way to justify another option.

This actually happens a lot.

Technically, mentally, this is where Depression Quest ends for me. Yes, after about five minutes that feel like eternity I press the button to tear my heart into pieces, but unlike the game merely pointing out that this situation is hard, in real life I would’ve gotten drunk and tried to run into traffic. I’ll leave some ambiguity on whether or not that specific situation has happened. I cry just a little. This game is crap. It’s too intense to deal with that sort of consequence.

I wipe myself off and end the game, because there’s someone coming over that day when I played Depression Quest. They’ll be there in like half an hour and I’m already a downer as it is, there’s no need to trouble them with that as well. I already relived one abandonment that day, I’m not going to do it again. It’s ok, I’m a big boy, so I can handle a day or two of make believe like a champ. I’m the Bizarro Clark Kent of video games. Hell, I’m so functional; I’d like to put it on my resume.

That is also a part of this deal. Day in, day out, you have no idea how many people you passed who just switched that button to just pretend like they’re blending in, for the sake of not upsetting the norm. I guarantee you that you’ve passed at least a handful of people on your day out that were actively, at that time, thinking about causing serious harm. You passed them and you didn’t think anything of it, because that would require confrontation. We don’t want that. We’re all cowards, in our own little way.

There’s nothing that can be done.

Depression Quest is good; it’s just life that sucks.