The 5 Worst GameStop Pre-Order Ads

 

I hate GameStop ads. Hate them. HATE THEM!

 

Do I have your attention now? Spectacular.

 

Look, people, GameStop doesn’t have the best reputation as is. Its sale of used games has been called harmful to developers, and its employees are trained to be pushy—their job is to sell you more crap you don’t need, as is every retail drone’s job. (Don’t hold it against them, folks. Working in the service sector is a nightmare I’ve yet to shake off. It is my “Vietnam.” My “parents-killed-by-a-purple-pterodactyl.” )

 

But you know what I hate the most about GameStop? (Stupid question, considering I’ve already told you.) Yes, it’s the advertising. Specifically, I hate the pre-order bonus commercials. It’s as if their marketing department sits down to have a meeting on how they can make this latest commercial more insulting and obnoxious than the rest. It’s uncanny—completely devoid of cans—how well they meet this goal, if it is indeed their goal.

 

In celebration of GameStop’s utterly wretched, worse-than-awful advertising, here are the top 5 worst GameStop pre-order commercials.

 

 

#5. Mortal Kombat

 

Seeing the problem here already? It’s Mortal Freaking Kombat. You know, that fighting game franchise known for using gore as shock value and humor? Take away the gratuitous violence and you have nothing. Well, nothing besides an awkward bait-and-switch joke about a walking corpse propositioning a razor-toothed woman.

 

 

#4. Gears of War 3

 

You could make a case for this one being the least obnoxious of the bunch, but I hate auto-tuning, and this commercial makes moderate use of it. The use of various battle quotes to make a rap doesn’t work. It comes across as lazy, cheap and annoying—more so than the rest of these ads.

 

 

#3. Halo Reach: Noble Map Pack

 

How many times can they say, “FIRE!” in this ad? What a joke. Guys, it’s about a flaming avatar helmet. Did you get that? It’s on fire. He likes fire, guys! I hope I’m not talking about fire too much here. I’d just really hate it if you guys missed the joke. There is a point to which it’s acceptable to use puns and one-liners. A line that is acceptable to approach but not cross. This commercial saw that line and said, “No. This is not enough.” The result, dear reader, is among the most irritating 30-second stretches of my life.

 

 

#2. Mass Effect 2

 

This list wouldn’t be complete without toilet humor. Yes, this commercial ends exactly where all of them belong: In the john. I guess I should give this one some credit, considering it uses the popular question of what’s on the other side of a black hole (probably nothing). But come on! It didn’t have to cater to the least common denominator. Mass Effect 2 deserved better, and so did astrophysics.

 

 

#1. Assassin’s Creed: Revelations

 

The worst GameStop ad is also in the running for my worst commercials ever. Literal song lyrics (a form of observational humor in which the singer describes exactly what is happening onscreen in lieu of actual lyrics) are never funny. It wasn’t funny when done with A-Ha’s (fantastic) “Take On Me” music video and it certainly wasn’t funny when Internet “humor artist” (using both words as loosely as possible) Tobuscus did it dozens of times. Yes, the man “singing” is a well-known YouTube personality that thousands of humorless twits adore. I don’t know how this atrocity came to pass and I don’t much care. Bottom line: If you like Tobuscus or this commercial, you are demonstrably wrong.