There’s actually one of those “Simulator” titles on the Nintendo 3DS. You might’ve heard about “Street Cleaning Simulator” or “Delivery Truck Simulator” and other such nonsense. Well, Excalibur Publishing now thought it was time to bring these series to the Nintendo 3DS. Forget Harvest Moon, this is Farming Simulator 2012 3D; in full 3D!

Now, this isn’t a review for several reasons. One; we didn’t buy the game. Two; a part of us would die if we actually saw it in retail stores amongst titles like Super Mario 3D Land or Resident Evil Revelations. Don’t be fooled though; it’s not a bad game per se. Still, thinking this game is any different from its ever unchanging and derivative content would be overshooting it as well. There’s a certain sort of maniac needed to play this game. Strangely enough, playing the demo does sink its time wasting teeth in pretty fast.

Forget for a moment just how bland and squared this title looks. Yes, it looks like a PC game from before the turn of the century. That has been the case for all these cheaply produced titles, but now with a detached 3D look. The main point is that there is farming to be done. In reality, the makers of this game haven’t even altered a lot of anything compared to other titles. The driving is just a little different, objectives are adapted to the theme and spreadsheets reflect agricultural topics. Still, there’s a simple yet fulfilling sense of tending one’s fields, plowing the land and sowing seeds to harvest later. A tractor is the main working tool and explorative vehicle, in the lightest of the sense possible. With it, it’s possible to drive around town and discover new fields that can be bought once enough harvest is sold. But before that, players need to attach the proper tools for tending their land. After that, it’s up to the harvester to mow through crops, put them in a container and drive that container to the market.

All this can take quite some time and therefore this title becomes quite the time waster. Still, it has a few distinct errors. For one, it’s possible and even advisable to let vehicles tend the fields on automatic. This allows multitasking, but only in the sense that other vehicles can equally be put on cruise control. In the end, most of the game will play itself and it will be merely a way to find out how to schedule it all properly.

Secondly, the game is really vague in just how it should work. The basics are quite quickly learned, but beyond that it presents a mess of menus, incomprehensive tables and an unmovable map that requires driving to the wanted spot to see if crops are done. More so, crops can take forever to cultivate. It’s admirable that Farming Simulator wants to stay true to the realism factor, but it seems to only apply it to the most boring parts. There’s nothing realistic about disobeying the laws of sanity and bump into anything unscathed. It’s quite the deal breaker in the end, because waiting endlessly for automated routines doesn’t exactly raise the entertainment factor.

Excitement!

There is the slightest redeeming factor of missions, again in the furthest possible relation to the term. What Farming Simulator means with missions is driving to a spot on the map and hurling over a few crates of something. It’s dull and derivative, but it does break away from seeing vehicles run on cruise control for a second.

Farming Simulator 2012 3D is a tough sell, to put it lightly. It does indeed still take quite the eccentric to try and play this or any other of these titles for more than a few hours and remain sane. It’s a bland, ugly title that feels more like a pandering attempt at producing a game than anything else. And still, there’s this strange sensation that it isn’t completely without merit. Pray that we aren’t infected and turn into one of these simulator playing maniacs; please, we beg you. The demo is available on the Nintendo 3DS eShop right now. Go play it and see how far you can go before tangibly feeling your brain cells recede.

Daav Valentaten, NoobFeed. (@Daavpuke)