Does this explain my absence?

Realization of life, and the understanding of the unknown

 

 

                As of May 20th I officially had taken the last test I ever will in High school. Now the interesting finding is the ideal of me no longer in high school has yet to set it. I somehow cannot contemplate the idea of me no longer having a routine. A set guide of what I must do for most of my days. It’s interesting to have a taste of this new freedom; I’m not sure how I feel about it right now. At this moment I still hold myself alone, sectioned off from the mainstream masses that are my peers. Many of them are enjoying the now, and I know for certain that once now ends and tomorrow begins they will soon realize what I am now coming to understand.

 

                We have no idea what the hell to do now.

 

                For the past 18 years of our lives we’ve been told what to do, what to say, were to go, and we hated it. But now that we have our own free will, we reject it. Sure many of us will quickly adapt and move on in life, hopefully for the better. But others won’t. Personally, I don’t like the idea of not having a safety net, and not having any foresight of the possibilities to come. I like knowing things, the chances of tomorrow, and the events of later dates. It allows me to, manipulate the events best I can. I can avoid those who I dislike, and strength bonds with those I adore.

 

                Lets take my social life in to aspect. I am in current search of a person to hold my heart. Currently I’ve four girls that I’m talking to, none have approached the beyond point of that, just talking nothing more. I have gone on a few dates, which I will admit but nothing extreme. Before I could use school, classes, even time in the halls as a way to manipulate and control the situations so as to better improve my chances of a positive encounter. Now it’s different. Before they could not approach me directly, I could have easily made it look as if I was in a rush. This would allow me to be ready and prepared for any moment. I could control when they came to me. Now I can’t. It seems that anyone can approach me, and if they can’t, they will know it’s because I wish it not to happen. Not at all what I’m trying to accomplish.

 

                The difficulty of life has increased.

 

 

 

               

                Now I stopped writing this to talk to someone and never got back to it. It is roughly 3 days later, probably less. It’s May 23rd 1 am… It was my 18th birthday yesterday. So let’s have an interesting conversation about how I’ve just broken down, rebuilt myself and strengthened my heart.

 

                I spent all of the 22nd getting yelled at, mentally and verbally abused. Considering the fact that it was my birthday, I’m not at all surprised, what I am surprised about is how I managed to even imagine that it was going to be any different than last year? I mean honestly, here I am, alone, here I am, sad, here I am, forced in to having only a digital world that I can live in, the physical one is lost to me.

 

                I guess the reason for all this is fear, fear of asking to leave the house. From a young age my mother drilled in to my head the negatives of society. She would tell me stories of what happens in the real world, what is done, all that. But as I’ve grow older I’ve learned the truth that it rarely happens. Yet somehow I still fear asking. I’ve come to the conclusion that, it’s because I fear being told no. I’m not sure why, but I fear asking my parents anything. I ask to go to the movies with friends. “no” I ask to walk down the street to visit a friend. “no” I ask to go across the street to my cousin’s birthday party “no”. I’ve gotten so many No’s in my life that I already know the answer, and when I really want something I don’t even ask because I know it’ll be a no, and I’ve had enough disappointment. It’s better to live with a craving then being shot down every time.

 

                And it sucks really. Here I am, closed off from having a social life. The physical part of my life is for nothing. If I could exist cyberly I would. I know many of you are going to say, “well you 18, move out” It’s not that easy…. I learned today that all of the money I’ve saved up from my job (about 10 grand) that was to be in a bank account. Isn’t, instead it’s in a safe… Which means that if I was to leave and ask for it, my parents wouldn’t have to give it to me, and I would have no proof that it’s mine, and knowing my parents, if I walked out to leave, I wouldn’t get it. I also know that if I was to leave I could kiss collegial life goodbye because in order to have them pay of college… I need to live at home.  (now I’m trying to live on campus) So in reality. If I was to leave home, to get a job, not go to college, and try to live my life, I couldn’t do it. If I tried to leave with anything, clothing, my phone, my laptop, car, anything. There’s no proof that it’s mine. If I left, I’d be on the street. I’d have nothing. And with me quitting my job (gave my two weeks in, it’s finalized and no turning back) I’m also income less for a while.

 

                So what am I to do… I’ve no damn idea really. I know that it can survive another… 6 years maybe of verbal and mental abuse, but at what cost? My sanity? Unless I lock myself away from everything, close my emotions and who I am from the world. I couldn’t do it. I refuse to get help as some people call it, because I am stubborn and if I can’t do it myself, I don’t want help. I refuse to rely on others and I know it’s a downfall in many aspects but at the same time… I’ve an honor to keep.

 

                So here I am on my Soapbox. Screaming to the heavens, trying to understand that the last 18 years of solitude will probably not change, and hoping that something comes to light. God will not help me, I know it for sure. I’ve been asking for 6 years and I’ve lost all hope in him, Government won’t help me because they want money. I do not expect a single person in this world to help me, I would not accept it. I will have to fight my battles, build impenetrable masks and walls. I’d have to bottle my rage, bottle my anger more and more. Unsafe I know but there is nothing else I can do.

 

                Blast it all, all I want to do is Scream, and thrash. But I can’t, it would be too much. You’re also thinking “Tell your parents how you feel”. Why do you think I bottle things up? I learned it from my father, but he’s found a way to release it I have not. If I was to talk to my mother, she would use it against me, and in her eye’s I’d be weaker. My brother I could tell him but he’d just tell my mother. But let’s say I did tell my family and let’s say, by shock they do listen and do something about it. In a matter of 72 hours, everything would return to the same thing.

 

                What do I do then? Cry? That solves nothing. Leave? That creates more problems. Deal with it? I can try that. Ask for help? I couldn’t do it. My burdens are mine, and mine alone, and to be honest, me sitting here and typing all this up... it’s not easy. I share this with all those willing to listen, and even place two cents in if they like. It may or may not help. I really won’t know which it will do.

 

 

                Here I am… wondering, thinking, fighting, contemplating, and just flat out lost, trying to understand.

 

 

What to do next…?