A Limbo State of Mind

I hate learning. I don't know why. I hate it. But maybe it's not that. Maybe it's because I can't.

 

For most of my life, I found learning to be quite impressionable. However, as I grew out of it and ventured into later stages like junior high and all the way up to college, I found my lack of focus to be extremely disturbing. Nowadays, I can't even venture into a class without falling into a daydream of some sort. It's extremely disheartening, but when I try to force my mind out of that state, it's like trying to wade knee-high in extremely thick mud. My brain registers what's being said in the classroom, but it doesn't remember nor understand it. It's becoming a persistent problem that I'm having an increasingly harder time trying to get out of.

 

My focus is nearly non-existent these days. For nearly half a class, it's probably just me daydreaming. In the rare times where I do focus, things get done quickly and efficiently, but those times are well beyond gone now. After failing miserably on my math midterms and only being barely kept afloat in CS thanks in part to my more intelligent twin brother, I just feel STUPID. When I look at everyone else's scores compared to mine, which is lower than the class average, I just feel STUPID. And when I look at my insane amounts of effort just to even try to comprehend the basic building blocks of the material that we're covering, I feel STUPID.

 

Yes, STUPID. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. I try, and I try harder. And I try harder than that. It's such a pain to try to get the lethargic mindset out of my head but I keep telling it, but it feels mentally dull, as if nothing registers, or happens. I try to focus, I try to remember, I try to understand, but all of it goes in one ear and comes out the other; it's like I'm staring at a blank wall and the only thing I remember is what my brain can only seem to understand easily and when it's catchy enough that I remember it clearly. I can't seem to learn anymore. Maybe I have a learning disability, or ADHD. I need to get checked. It's driving me insane, and making me depressed. Then thoughts of me not being able to pick up a girl or some other thoughts start creeping into my head... and then the depression daydreams begin... I'm stuck in a limbo state of mind that just doesn't want to learn but still wants to learn.

 

I f--king hate myself. For not trying hard enough, and for trying too hard.

 

-Delta